Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for a new interactive feature, in honor of the fact that (1) we are now officially in between any sports playoffs or bowl games or the like; and (2) this has been weighing on my mind for years, and I’ve only now put it into practice. It is this: I say that we have a full-on, voter-driven clash between the most insipid characters/features in television advertising. Okay, that doesn’t really make sense to me, either.

Here’s what I mean: every time you see Jared Fogel in a Subway ad, don’t you want to punch him in the crotch? Every time you see that smirking hipster jizz bucket on the Verizon ads, don’t you want to just see his face melt, fusing to his pointy glasses? (What, television advertising doesn’t fill you wrathful blood lust? Then get the fuck out of here.)

Well, I propose we set up a bracket with sixteen of the most rage-inducing advertising icons/figures/spokespersons/whatever on the tube, in a gigantic battle royale hereby dubbed “Battle of the Network Douchebags.” I’ve already suggested Fogel and Verizon Guy. Here’s a few others I think might be worthy of inclusion:

* The badly animated, vaguely Spanish-accented Bee from those horrific Nasonex ads.

* Any one of the gaggle of anonymous douchebags who populate the Bud Light universe (we’ll have to settle on just one, alas)

* Any one of the gaggle of anonymous douchebags who populate the “just gellin’” universe (we’ll have to settle on just one, alas — this might be a good time to nonminate the first female entry)

So, gentle readers (all three of you), I leave it to you to submit entries in the comments, which will be ranked in a bracket by me, for the ultimate match-ups in annoying advertising. The rules are that you can’t nominate a whole commercial (sorry, “Head On” will not be accepted), but rather the annoying spokesperson for it. You can nominate as many people/animals/things as you like. Like the above examples, it doesn’t have to be a singular, long term spokesperson per se, but whomever you pick, you have to make a good case for it (e.g. in the Bud Light commercial at the opera, my pick is the fucker who leans back over the seat to say, “First time at the opera, boys?”)

**Aside: look, if I’m going to an Opera I don’t want to see, but I’m still dressed to the nines, I’m gonna get hammered the classy way: via flask. If you’re still so much of a frat-tard that you have to drink Bud Light, so be it. But a can?! Jesus Hernandez Christ, have some self-respect.**

Anyway, you have your assignment, kids. We’ll have an update and the official commencement of the games pending a few entries. Get cracking!

***Update: Yes, I realize that actors are supposed to be douchebags, and that in real life they’re probably really nice people. Frankly in person Jared Fogel is by all accounts nice enough, and I admire his speaking tour through which he tries to combat obesity in schools; it’s that he’s playing a caricature of himself in this ads that makes him really annoying. Anyway, I’m talking about how these characters signify, that within the diegetic world of the ad, if I were there, there’d be some ball stomping involved (probably mine, in the end, because I’m not very intimidating). And characters or not, they induce in me contempt and fury.

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