Posted by: coloradokiwi | November 6, 2007

Battle of the Network Douchebags: The Launch

Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time for a new interactive feature, in honor of the fact that (1) we are now officially in between any sports playoffs or bowl games or the like; and (2) this has been weighing on my mind for years, and I’ve only now put it into practice. It is this: I say that we have a full-on, voter-driven clash between the most insipid characters/features in television advertising. Okay, that doesn’t really make sense to me, either.

Here’s what I mean: every time you see Jared Fogel in a Subway ad, don’t you want to punch him in the crotch? Every time you see that smirking hipster jizz bucket on the Verizon ads, don’t you want to just see his face melt, fusing to his pointy glasses? (What, television advertising doesn’t fill you wrathful blood lust? Then get the fuck out of here.)

Well, I propose we set up a bracket with sixteen of the most rage-inducing advertising icons/figures/spokespersons/whatever on the tube, in a gigantic battle royale hereby dubbed “Battle of the Network Douchebags.” I’ve already suggested Fogel and Verizon Guy. Here’s a few others I think might be worthy of inclusion:

* The badly animated, vaguely Spanish-accented Bee from those horrific Nasonex ads.

* Any one of the gaggle of anonymous douchebags who populate the Bud Light universe (we’ll have to settle on just one, alas)

* Any one of the gaggle of anonymous douchebags who populate the “just gellin'” universe (we’ll have to settle on just one, alas — this might be a good time to nonminate the first female entry)

So, gentle readers (all three of you), I leave it to you to submit entries in the comments, which will be ranked in a bracket by me, for the ultimate match-ups in annoying advertising. The rules are that you can’t nominate a whole commercial (sorry, “Head On” will not be accepted), but rather the annoying spokesperson for it. You can nominate as many people/animals/things as you like. Like the above examples, it doesn’t have to be a singular, long term spokesperson per se, but whomever you pick, you have to make a good case for it (e.g. in the Bud Light commercial at the opera, my pick is the fucker who leans back over the seat to say, “First time at the opera, boys?”)

**Aside: look, if I’m going to an Opera I don’t want to see, but I’m still dressed to the nines, I’m gonna get hammered the classy way: via flask. If you’re still so much of a frat-tard that you have to drink Bud Light, so be it. But a can?! Jesus Hernandez Christ, have some self-respect.**

Anyway, you have your assignment, kids. We’ll have an update and the official commencement of the games pending a few entries. Get cracking!

***Update: Yes, I realize that actors are supposed to be douchebags, and that in real life they’re probably really nice people. Frankly in person Jared Fogel is by all accounts nice enough, and I admire his speaking tour through which he tries to combat obesity in schools; it’s that he’s playing a caricature of himself in this ads that makes him really annoying. Anyway, I’m talking about how these characters signify, that within the diegetic world of the ad, if I were there, there’d be some ball stomping involved (probably mine, in the end, because I’m not very intimidating). And characters or not, they induce in me contempt and fury.



  1. As at other blogs, you seem to have this notion that there is real life lurking behind the images on your teevee. The annoying jerkwad waving the Bud Light can? He’s *supposed* to be an annoying jerkwad. You know this, but you cling to some left-handed notion of reality wherein you think things should be as they should be. I’m telling you: there is no spoon, dude. There is also no good Matrix sequel. There are also some really fraking annoying ads.

    The one that sends me scrambling, literally lunging for the remote, is the one where the mom and dad sing a convoluted little ditty with a hyuk-hyuk! attitude about all the places that they’ve brought their family on vacation (I think it’s for a hotel chain, but I’m not sure; it’s so insanely loathsome, I never make it to the end). The lyrics are so insipid and the meter is so savagely inept that it makes me queasy to hear it at all.

    I also resent those commercials where a whole shopping mall or a city is waltzing along in a glorious spectacle of effortless commerce because of the new Visa swipe card (actually, the choreography of these scenes reminds me more of a meat factory in Koyaanisquatsi than anything). Then, some poor schmuck wants to pay with cash and everybody stops and *publicly shames him*!! I can’t believe that this is their point: your cash is lame, loser. Unbelievable.

    And I agree that that Nasonex bee is profoundly weird. Don’t you think it’s Antonio Banderas? I really think it’s him because they wouldn’t get someone who was so hard to understand if he wasn’t famous.

  2. As usual, Colin, you provide excellent commentary while dropping in apt references (I’d like to think the director of the commercial has seen Koyaanisquatsi and that ONE DAY, by God, he’ll make it big), while also misconstruing what I mean and kind of missing the point. So, good points, great post, but where is your nomination, numbnuts?

  3. Far from the mainstream adverts, but “Exit Kipling, exit Ward, but exit the giant MedVed Auto Complex” – that mutherfucker is can eat my greasy shit.

  4. First, I laugh at the MedVed comment. Second, I would like to add that this will be very hard for those of us with TiVo. What are advertisements again? And lastly, not the gecko from geico. I like them. BUT THE FUCKING CAVE MEN HAVE GOT TO GO!!!

  5. The mattress company kid needs to be dragged out in the street and flogged. Maybe nobody beats the King, but somebody should beat some timing into this kid. The line goes “Nobody beats the King. Nobody!” When he says Nobody the second time, he’s supposed to whip his arm around and point at the camera for emphasis, but the arm comes around a full second after Nobody. I die a little every time I see it. Fucking brat. Overall, though, I like the crappy local commercials. Finish this line, Denverites- In Colorado, Big Mike Noughton __ ____! Love it.

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