Posted by: coloradokiwi | November 9, 2007

My space on MySpace: Spacey!

I get the whole MySpace phenomenon (and Hi5, and Facebook, and…). I do. However I’m just not interested. Yes, this is coming from someone who blogs to an audience only slightly smaller than open mic night at a Beat Poetry recital in Ogden, Utah. There are some very good reasons as to why I’m totally uninterested in MySpace or any equivalent:

1. I’m happily married. Unless I wish to carry on a ridiculous virtual affair with either (a) an internet skank or (b) a really DESPERATE internet skank who I’d never want to hook up with anyway, I don’t really see the point of “poking” people online.

2. Hey, what do you know! Ol’ ______ from high school is on there! Haven’t seen him/her in years! Hmmm….I guess there’s a reason for that. Next.

3. Dude! DUuuuuuude! Seeing you in person/emailing you/IM’ing you/texting/talking on the phone is not enough of you and what you’re up to! We can totally put all of our personal information on a site owned by News Corp. and link to nifty things on the net all in one place! Okay, actually, I see the point of having a one-stop shop for expressing oneself. It’s a good way to stay in touch as well…well, sorta. I mean, if you have friends scattered all over the globe (which more and more of us do), it’s pretty handy. However, if the two above conditions still apply, what’s the incentive for putting this up for EVERYODY? Hey, I put up what I’m thinking on this here blog, but not pictures of myself, family, cats, or what I ate for breakfast. I could do this with this blog (some do), but again, given the above two conditions, why would I share more than updates on events in my life? And the fact is (and we all know this), the people we actually care about will stay in touch via other means as well, while everyone else will probably not even bother with our MySpace page.

4. I am not a pedophile.

All that said, I didn’t come here to dump on MySpace per se. This is all a bit of throat-clearing to set up this point: I do in fact have a MySpace account. I created one in order to access the pages of friends of mine, who were all like “Dude, you should come to my MySpace page!” And I was like, “Oh, uh, okay. Sure thing.” Which I do. Now and then. Every once in awhile. Anyway, my MySpace page is there merely as a placeholder so that I can occasionally pop into these other pages. It has no photos, no personal info other than the basic requirements…in fact it seems obvious that this is a dead page, right? Well, this is not necessarily obvious to other people, apparently, because in the last week alone I’ve had six requests from total strangers to be my friend. Yes, that’s right: someone came by my MySpace page, saw it in all its austere, sterile glory, and wished to befriend me. How pathetic is that? I mean, there is not a single bit of information that indicates personality on there at all. Did they come across it and think, “Ah, this appears to be a human being who shares my interests of having no listed interests, and who is all I’m looking for physically: a shadowy, anonymous profile as provided by the MySpace template!”

For the first time ever, I think, I’m really hoping that the people who allegedly wish to be my friends are not in fact real people, but marketers. Because as depressing as it is that marketing campaigns are headhunting and planting false buzz and so forth online, it is even more depressing if real people are so disconnected from other people that they are willing to try out befriending someone they know absolutely nothing about other than alleged gender. Georg Simmel is spinning in his grave.



  1. just for the record, i would like to say that myspace was super great for planning my high school reunion.

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