Posted by: coloradokiwi | November 26, 2007

Battle of the Network Douchebags: The Bracket

Okay, it’s high time we finally do this thing. With your help and a little extra television viewing, I have devised a final list of douchebags to battle it out for the ultimate title.

***Aside: I’ve noticed that the frequency of ads that make me want to commit acts of violence and possibly sedition occur most frequently during football games. As a football fan, it concerns me that this is the preferred mode of advertising among the assumed demographic.***

Anyway, some refinement of the parameters of the contest are in order before we proceed. First off, when I say “douchebag” it is not a very technical term (there are other sites which delve into those particulars). Here “douchebag” is a sort of catch-all for the myriad styles and behaviors (particularly the latter) that compel in us a sort of simian rage that would, under the right circumstances, no doubt result in some sort of cannibalistic dismemberment for the purposes of humiliation and ultimate dominance, rather than for sustenance. There are actually many specific epithets that can be applied to these people. But the point is that although they appear not to be mean or particularly unlikeable in any particular way, they nonetheless inspire dreams of the potent use of force against them.

This brings us to the bracket. We can think about this in two ways. First off, there is the old classic: having brought these people together, we can opine about who would win in a fight. This is always great fun, of course, but in a way it sort of defeats the purpose, because after all we are nominating folks (or things) who we certainly would like to see destroy each other, but the power of their suckitude is really what we fixate on when we watch them anyway. So I am proposing that for this exercise, winners will be determined by this combination of talents:

1. The degree of fury that is unleashed whenever I see them

2. The potential threat they would pose in an actual, physical fight, and how their opponent would be likely to react in meeting that threat.

3. Intangibles: arcane matters like the overall irritation of the ad campaign they’re in regardless of how annoying they are, or possibly the general evilness of the company for which they’re hucking, and so on. In other words, that extra little bit of horrifying “Dear God how has our society sunk so low” aura that the ad and/or person gives off.

So with this in mind, let’s discuss the finalists:

* Jared Fogel, for reasons previously explained

* Taco Bell Shitstain, for reasons previously explained

* Nasonex Bee, for reasons previously explained

* Bud Light Asswipe at the opera, for reasons previously explained

* Verizon Dipwad, for reasons previously explained

* Mac Hipster: the pud in the tee who is always blithely smarming at PC’s expense. Don’t get me wrong: I think Apple products are fantastic. I’m typing on one right now. But you know, that Mac guy is a douche. He’s nice enough to PC, but really he just manages to hold back his withering contempt long enough to do whatever “fresh” thing it is he’s doing on his wicked Apple stuff, which is probably some insipid “thoughtful” short film that he’s put together in Final Cut Pro (which he has because he fancies himself a “filmmaker”), after which he’s going to try to score with some emo slut at the Decemberists concert. He has time to do this because he’s scored himself a “consulting” job by bullshitting some firm into thinking that the “fresh” graphic design and multimedia stuff he produces for them takes him longer than two hours a day to put together. Fuck that guy.

* Alka-Seltzer Cheesedick: “Cheesedick” is the only way to describe this middle-aged man who goes out with his younger coworkers on a week night and eats a shitload of hot wings with his beer (to the extent that his coworkers are convinced he’ll not be in the following morning). First, if you notice the details here, he is clearly not very well liked by his coworkers, and he’s an ass when he drinks even a little. But hey, Alka-Seltzer repairs his rotted gut, to the extent that he even comes in to work early — before those same coworkers come in! LOL! (kill me please) The smile he gives them, which is a mixture of smugness and blissful ignorance of the hatred they feel for him, is I believe what the term “shit-eating grin” was invented for.

* Coors Light Fratdouches (specifically, Blondie Hooknose): These are the dipshits who ask NFL coaches at post-game press conferences Coors Light-related questions. Spliced with real footage! Kewl! Now if only any of these ads even came close to living up to their potential! And gosh, if only all those guys drinking Coors Light aren’t the spitting image of all the gormless, talentless, brainless, fugly, braying, misogynistic, alcoholic cumstains with whom I went to college — and how the HELL did those fucktards still get more pussy than I did?

***Aside: hey, I’m pretty sure my life turned out better than most of those idiots, and this was my solace at the time, too. However this is lost on them, because what I didn’t count on at the time was that they’d never grow to understand the folly of not investing something in themselves as people, because the fact is that they are too stupid, and they will continue to be that way until the day they die. Party, bra!***

* Geico Cavemen (specifically P.C. Vagina, the one complaining one): this hardly needs explaining, does it? The campaign itself is of course much derided. But this guy deserves it even if all those ads weren’t a blight on the culture. I mean, pastels and white? A tennis cardigan and a man bag? Erudite language and a victim’s complex? And what does he do for a living that he can travel the world, afford a therapist, go to tennis lessons, etc.? Nothing, that’s what: he has all the telltale paraphernalia and behavior of an East Coast trust fund baby (but without the lineage), a Hamptons/Kennebunkport/Martha’s Vineyard/Catskills pretender. The sort of asshole who fancies himself capable of hanging with and possibly impregnating one of the Daughters of the American Revolution, but is in fact mocked by his “peers” behind his back. Hehe, douche.

I guess that makes nine. Nine fine specimens of advertising drek who must battle it out to the death. In order to make this a functional bracket, seeds 8 and 9 will have to have a pigtail play-in, for the honor of battling the number one seed. Here’s how the bracket looks, with seeding provided by me through a byzantine process to which you have no recourse:

(1) Jared Fogel vs. winner of (8) Nasonex Bee vs. (9) Mac Hipster

(4) Geico Caveman vs. (5) Bud Light Opera Asswipe

(3) Verizon Dipwad vs. (6) Taco Bell Shitstain

(2) Coors Light Fratdouche vs. (7) Alka-Seltzer Cheesedick

So there ya go. In subsequent posts we will determine the fate of this battle royale, whose prize will be…something. Neat. It will be worth it, I promise.


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