Posted by: coloradokiwi | January 23, 2008

Battle of the Network Douchebags: Round One

So yeah, not bowl season after all, more like the Super Bowl. Sorry about that. Anyway, let the games begin!
First, allow me to re-establish some issues concerning this whole notion of a battle royale. I’ve been going back and forth as to whether these contests would be decided according either: (1) the awesome power of their douchosity; or (2) the relative merits of the entrant to be able to fuck other people’s shit up. I have opted for the latter, because let’s face it: these folks are already “winners” in a sense just by being here, and really what we’re looking for is for the untimely, gruesome death of these hyper-annoying pitch-people. So here goes:

First match: Nasonex Bee vs. Mac hipster (pigtail play-in). Although outweighing his opponent by an order of somewhere in the high hundreds, Mac hipster doesn’t appear to have any killer instinct whatsoever. He also looks like he would either be afraid of bees, or be perplexed and elicit whiny, self-indulgent remarks should he be threatened by a bee. Also, history has taught us that when provoked (or in fact, even when not provoked), Spaniards can be really horrifyingly sadistic bastards. Nasonex Bee wins in a complete annihilation.

Now for the Coors Light Fratdouche versus the Alka-Seltzer Cheesedick. Although blondie hooknose is a bit on the burly side and probably would cop typical frat-tard attitude about how he would want to “go” and how his “dad owns a dealership,” However I get the feeling that the older, more experienced middle-aged cheesedick knows a few things and may even break out the old “whippersnapper” epithet as he leg-whips and then snaps the arm of ol’ fratty. Because we all know that most of the time, frat puds really are puds, due in no small part to the damage they do to their bodies over the course of a single semester living in the frat house. Anyway, this would end with not only a broken arm I’m guessing, but also the glorious sight of tears and contrition. Oh my yes. It’s our first major upset!

Next we have Verizon Dipwad versus Taco Bell Shitstain. Wow, talk about a pathetic fight. I mean, the former is all hipster ineptitude, and the latter a pussy-whipped urchin. Will the superior physicality of the hipster overwhelm the superior bundle of neuroses of the shitstain? This really could go either way, but because I hate the Verizon guy more, I want him to go to the next round and be dismembered, if possible. Verizon wins!

Next we have Geico Caveman versus Bud Light Opera Asswipe. First off, the previous rule about frat-tards applies, only doubly so because these men are all well into their thirties. Secondly, while our Geico Caveman puts on the airs of the well-to-do, he is, at base, a Caveman (although to be fair, without all the grooming supplies and Axe body spray, so is the Asswipe). This one should be delightfully brutal: in pure caveman style, Geico Caveman goes all caveman-roidy by tearing off the arm of the Asswipe and using it to beat the smirk off his face. And then he’ll consider drinking his beer before sniffing in disgust and wandering off to find a good cabernet with hints of blackberry and bitter chocolate.

Finally, we have our pigtail play-in winner, tired but also recharged from his victory, playing against the enviable Jared Fogel. This one is actually quite a brutal match, because Jared strikes me as the kind of person who is actually allergic to bees, but nonetheless has deep inside his doughy exterior an iron will and a keen insight into the darkness of man. So here’s how it goes down: Jared actually gets stung, but just before going into anaphylactic shock, scrapes away the stinger, grabs the bee, and ostentatiously devours him. Mmmmm…spanish-accented bee! How’d those big eyes taste, all non-compoundy?

So ends round one. A couple of dramatic matches, but overall a fairly pathetic showing. We’ll have to wait and see how our gladiators make out in the semi-finals!


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