Posted by: coloradokiwi | April 4, 2008

Douchebag Update

Between being exceptionally busy and all the politics stuff, I sorta forgot all about The Bracket.  So for you fan(s) out there, here’s how it ended:

If you recall, the semifinals featured the intriguing matchups of:

(7) Alka-Seltzer Cheesedick vs. (3) Verizon Dipwad

(1) Jared Fogel vs. (4) Geico Caveman

My take:  Caveman beats up Jared, Verizon  beats the Cheesedick, and in the battle royal a challenger comes out of the stands with a chair: Assface.  Amidst the fracas he overpowers both with the magnitude of his bad lip-syncing kissy-lips.  Seriously, it’s like a kind of douchebag Blue Steel.  The end.

BTW,  for fuck’s sake, if we have to have catchy ditties sung by the most boring-voiced drip noggin possible, at least do us all a favor and edit the music so that his lip-synching actually matches it.  God damn, that’s annoying.



  1. You are correct, right up until the awards ceremony. With about to be crowned, and the other two still with bleeding heads, an annoying and repetitive noise can be heard coming toward the arena. Then suddenly a woman appears in the ring to treat the losers’ wounds, saying “HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD! HEAD ON! APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!” At that point, the award is immediately snatched from and given to the HEAD ON lady.

    Excellent blog, BTW.

  2. Haha, good point. Although I’m not really sure that’s in the category of douchiness, so much as just really, really annoying.

  3. But didn’t you say that the guy was annoying — in fact “God damn” annoying? If the annoying can take over the award from the douches, shouldn’t the most annoying thing of all time (HEAD ON) be in the running?

  4. True, but annoyingly douchey. Head On is annoyingly relentless, which in a way I can almost respect: its singular bloody-mindedness is on the verge of self-parody and it has no other illusions or aspirations. Whereas seems to me to be clearly trying to be “cute” and “catchy.” Cuteness and catchiness infer a kind of smugness that is particularly vexing if it backfires (which in my opinion it has), which is very different than Head On.

    Put it this way: both of them are a form of rape. But whereas Head On just goes for it, asks you how you’re liking it, and after it’s over, says, “Well, I think we had fun. Wanna go out again?” (cue next incarnation of that asswipe singing something about his bad credit)

    I think you’d agree that we expect rapists to have the courtesy to quietly move on without further psychological torture.

  5. F-R-E-E that spells free.

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